Let go and Let Love

So I have this blog, that I write on every few months it seems.  I never really update often, I do it when inspiration strikes me and it did just now.  I know that people have an impression of me based on what they've heard, or my earlier card readings or my meltdowns, or whatever.  I'd like to think that I am known for speaking my mind and not being shy about my opinions when I see something that begs addressing.  Its been almost two years of this hot mess we call a fandom, yep hot mess, yep two years. In that time I've seen endless fighting, backstabbing, bullying, and emo behavior bordering on suicidal ideation.  People follow me for their own reasons, most think they know my views, others wanting me to do endless tarot card readings to reassure them of their beliefs.  The truth is I'm just a person with my own point of view and the right to change that view when presented with facts I can't ignore or when simple perception of a situation leads me to another conclusion.  Simply put, its my fucking mind and I have a right to speak it, change it, and do whatever I want with it.  What bothers me the most this morning is how splintered things are, how splintered people are, its scary.  Reading the various blogs and then the tweets, and hearing about the vicious hate being spewed often leaves me feeling like I've taken too much of something and I'm in some Alice in Wonderland type of acid trip. Do people still do acid?  Showing my age, anyway this is how surreal this whole thing is and I often feel like I need to stand back and just let it go. (insert Elsa singing gif here).  You have people believing in a baby on the way, people who constantly attack those people for believing that because to them its insulting and wrong and ridiculous and how could Kristen ever get pregnant because she's never had sex before she's a saint and so is Rob and they've never fucked and....ok you get it.  I think the root of all of that is fear, fear that it might be true and fear that its proof that they are well, human. Then you have your assorted robsessed who are well for lack of a better way of putting this, batshit crazy to the point where a picture of Rob trying to grab a cell phone shows his utter desperation at some of his "fans". Not saying a robsessed took the pic, just pointing out his frustration.  He's sick and fucking tired of it in that pic and ready to go after who took it. I've never seen that before, well not so openly anyway.  The guy probably does have a temper like everyone else but he's always been decent to fans.  I've seen it firsthand, he's very gracious and accommodating and appreciative.  He's not a dick, sorry nonberts.  Although I reserve the right to call him a dick when I feel like it and when he does act somewhat dickish which I think he does at times.  See what I did there?  I made a judgment based on what limited info I have about his not being a dick but then pointed out that I can indeed change that based on whatever happens.  Labels, we put them on everybody and that is so wrong. Kristen, of course, has been labeled many things most of which I can't even talk about without using words that would make your average Brooklyn driver blush.  By Brooklyn I mean Bensonhurst. Yeah that place. Where I grew up.  Yep.  But she's not any of those things is she?  She seems to be the opposite from many fans' accounts and from the praises of her costars and others in the industry.  But the tabs have her pegged as a cheating whore who can never be trusted in a relationship again, while Rob is well, the victim who can do no wrong and is currently fucking anything with a vagina.  Where I'm going with this, where I'm going is that the fandom is acting alot like the tabs these days. Its like the different factions are the various tabs each with their own daily write up of what's happening in the life of two people they know nothing about.  The blogs are a fucking mess, I'm not talking trolls I'm talking infighting between the posters who accuse each other of backstabbing, lying, being a hater. Oh by the way being a hater these days is defined simply as being someone who doesn't absolutely positively believe and defend a certain point of view.  You believe she's pregnant: Hater,  You believe she's not pregnant: Hater, You believe they are together: Hater, You believe they broke up ages ago: Hater. More importantly if you say ANYTHING about either one of them that isn't a declaration of saintly worship you are immediately called a hater and people you've talked to for years block you and and you are the enemy.  Its like Nazi fucking Germany out there folks.  I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? (Here comes the cursing).  Have we really gotten to the point where we are so invested, so insecure, so completed deluded by our own beliefs that daily, hourly witch trials are conducted and the person in question is banished into hater land.  I mean really, are you all fucking serious?  This is about a relationship between two people we know fuck all about, in fact this is about two people we know fuck all about except for what we see and hear and perceive.  The level of complete fucking hysteria over the smallest tweet, or picture, or anything is disturbing to the point where I myself had to sit back and question my own goddamn sanity.  When did it go from simple fan adoration to quasi-terrorist factions bent on fucking killing each other?  Whatever you believe, unless you are spewing vile horrible hatred and tweeting lies that really do impact either one of them you have the right to believe what you want, and whoever doesn't agree with it needs to shut the fuck up and move along if they don't like it. Don't read it, don't talk about it.  Don't go to blogs you don't agree with, just fucking LET IT GO already.

What about the two people at the center of all this drama?  No matter what we like to believe, or what we think we know its safe to say that although they've been dealing with crap for a long time they are still two human beings.  People like to say they give 0 fucks and don't pay attention and all that and maybe they do ignore the bulk of it, but when you have fans stalking their friends and families' IG accounts, producers and director's twitter accounts well I'm sure they are aware of some of it.  How do you think it makes them feel? Okay now this is where I start to talk about how they have feelings, its their relationship and you are only hurting them with bullshit crap.  There I summarized it in one sentence.  But its true.  Think about your own life, your relationship with your significant other.  Does what people say and do around you affect it sometimes?  Are you hurt by what your family or friends or even your neighbors might say about you?  Yeah I thought so.  Imagine that magnified 3434343904579454 times and you have Rob and Kristen's lives. What most people deal with privately has been turned into a media circus and dubbed "the scandal" like it was an event that affected the entire world.  No it didn't.  It shouldn't.  Its fucking terrible, awful, sad and its between them. No one has the right to make decisions for either one of them and no one has the right to condemn somebody for their actions when they know fuck all what really happened.  What should have been a private matter between two people has been turned into the reason for all out war between people who don't even know who they are but pretend to know everything that happened and have formed judgments based on those beliefs.  Who the motherfuck are we to judge?  I confess I've spent lots of time debating this whole thing, wondering about it, the motives, the actual incident itself.  Its a morbid curiosity bordering on being totally fucking creepy. I admit that.  I spend all this time talking about a situation between two people that I really have no clue about.  Well there's a big part of me that wishes Kristen would have that sit down with Oprah, Barbara, Diane whoever, and just spell it out for us.  Problem with that is that I don't think it will change minds, nor will it really do her any good. She's already the Whore of Babylon, the only person in the world to commit the heinous crime of cheating on Edward Cullen.  Yeah, not Rob but Edward Fucking Cullen.  The world's perfect 109 year old virgin veggie vampire boyfriend.  Because that's what its all about isn't it? Its not Rob and Kristen its Edward and Bella.  The characters in the biggest selling movie franchise of all time, the center of a romance that spanned FIVE FUCKING MOVIES.  Like Titanic, only there's four sequels all about Leo and Kate's, I mean Jack and Rose's epic romance.  You don't think that has anything to do with how this whole thing has been treated?  I can name at least five difference instances of infidelity that were in the news the past two years, and some that didn't even make the news.  Yet we all are always reminded of  "the scandal".  Just what scandal are we talking about here?  Who did this affect except for the people involved?  Yes it was upsetting and yes its ok to have an opinion but to judge, nope.  To start fan wars, nope. To use it to destroy a young woman's life? Hell to the fucking NO.

Here's the thing, this was all about Rob and Kristen not Edward and Bella.  As much as people like to look at pictures of them and declare their relationship the perfect love story of all time, I guarantee you it is just like all other relationships: complicated.  Its not black and white.  In fact its even more complicated than normal because they have the whole fucking world wanting to climb into bed with them.  We don't know what was or is happening between them, what may or may not have caused what may or may not have happened.  We don't know THEM.  They know each other though and all I can think of sometimes is how it must feel to have to deal with the worst time of your life while the whole world watches, and judges.  No relationship is perfect, people fight, say horrible shit to each other, do things that make no sense, punish each other for no reason  You get where I'm going with this.  They are not perfect.  Angels do not sing when they fuck.  Headboards don't always break, and she doesn't have multiple orgasms every time he walks in the room and vice versa, at least I don't think so but hey you never know.  You don't know.  That's the point.

I'd like nothing more than to see them happy, walking a red carpet somewhere or being seen together at a concert, or walking their dogs.  Normal couple shit we see everyone doing.  But I don't know what's happening between them, all I do know is that there is no way the crazy fuckery of the past two years, along with all the shit that came before it doesn't affect them.  That makes me sad, and I feel sorry for both of them.  When you love somebody you want the whole world to know, you want to take them out show them off, share the happiness.  They've never really been able to do that. There are people in this world that want nothing more than to see them apart.  How dare you fucking even make that choice for either of them.  Who the motherfuck do you think you are to dictate whether they should be together? Based on my perception from pictures, interviews, and such they seem like two people who love each other very much.  Why is it your mission in life to help destroy that?  Why can't you just let it the fuck go and just let them be?  I know why, because you are so invested in their lives to the point where you barely have one of your own, therefore you need for them to play out whatever fantasy you have in your head in order for YOU to be happy.  Well I've got news for you sunshine, it ain't about you.  Its never been about you.  Its about them.

So this brings me back to the hot mess that is this "fandom".  I've been trying to spend less time on twitter and when I do come on I limit myself to what I want to see or hear because honestly its way too fucking much.  I am sad, sad for them, sad for all the people I've stopped talking to because of differences of opinion and perception.  Sad that was was once fun has turned into a horror show.  I don't know what will happen, all I do know is that people need to take a deep breath and back up a little and just let whatever happens happen.  Be nice to one another.  Be respectful and above all keep in mind just who we are talking about here.  This is not a contest, there are no winners and losers. Above all keep in mind people's feelings, because if you don't do that and just shut people out based on whatever judgement you've made well that makes you a hater.  You should just go and hang with annypacker and her gang because that's what they do.  That's not what we do.  That's not what anyone should do.  I hope that in the coming weeks, months that all of this finds some conclusion, some closure and if not that people come to their fucking senses already.

I also hope that Rob and Kristen are ok and keep doing what they love.  If that means loving each other as well then I'm all for that, I'm all for love. However if it means that if it doesn't happen for them well that's their decision isn't it.  I can't do anything, all I have to do is accept it and let it go.  For the record I do hope they are well and together, and that they are able to rise above all of this hatred and be happy.  Maybe this is the time they are taking to do just that.   All I can say is I wish them the best, and hope that I can see them on that red carpet holding hands, being proud of one another and showing the world who they choose to love.

did she make you cry, make you break down
shatter your illusion of love
and is it over now,
do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home

Sunday morning and I woke up way too early for having gone to bed at 3:30am.  A loud door slam woke me, and I sat up, tired as I am I just got up and went into the kitchen and made coffee.  Maybe it was the combination of a a bad dream and the noise that pushed me into staying awake, because my head is telling me to go back to bed but the rest of me is saying no way.  Going through the morning paper and reading the same old horror, I gave up after a few pages.  My head is still fuzzy when I see the copy of Marie Claire I bought last night during a buying binge at Walgreen's.  Didn't think I was going to buy it because I'd already read the article, the poem, the drama over the article and the poem and countless tweets telling me I was either loved or reviled.  I blame the lack of sleep for reading the interview again, this time without the usual internet fan filter of worship and glory.  Its just an interview of a girl young enough to be my kid, boy does that mess with my head more on that later, talking about work and love and saying the word "dude" alot. This kid is all about not needing anybody, not having any answers, but knowing that she's not going to bow down to convention.  She's unique and doesn't give a fuck.  She gives 0 fuck answers to stupid questions and the interviewer fills in the blanks with his impressions and facts he probably got from some 21 year old editorial assistant who doesn't know what year it is.  I don't know, for someone who doesn't give a fuck it seems strange that she's a in fashion magazine saying she doesn't give a fuck.  But work is work and we all have parts of our jobs that we hate to do, I suspect this is one of them for her. Ok but why the poem, I mean someone so private sharing something so private of herself in this way.  Is it because she's trying to help her image, or is it something else.  The first option is always a strong possibility, some PR person's insistence that showing her creative artistic side will somehow endear her to people who don't already know her, or who don't like her.  But the something else option is interesting too, and that is that she put it out there for a reason.  Now in keeping with the 0 fucks attitude then this is total bullshit and she's just sharing a poem, but really we all give a fuck including her. She may only be 23 but she does give a fuck probably more than she even knows.  So what does the poem mean?  I've read several interpretations, everything from admitting to loving old men, to describing a tortured relationship, a nasty breakup, whatever.  I read it a few times and to me it can mean just about anything to anybody.  The imagery of the whiffle ball heart though is hard to miss, a heart with holes, spraying blood everywhere, yeah I got that part.  Heartbroken, maybe, longing, maybe, wanting, maybe.  Who knows.  Like I always say no one knows anything about anyone else's suffering.  On the one hand she's a reluctant multi-millionaire movie star, on the other a kid who doesn't have any answers and is too young to have them.  A kid who wears baseball caps and ripped shirts, but likes to cook dinner and keep house.  Okay then, what does it matter. I've got shit to deal with here.  I started out this post thinking about myself and the shit going down in this house but ended up writing about something that's being talked to death about online.  She's just a kid, who shared a poem for some reason intentional or not I don't know.  Maybe its an ode to her tortured relationship with the Golden One, the boy everyone wants, the boy all the girls are in love with, the boy at the cool table in the cafeteria.  Ok maybe not the cool table, but you get it.  He's the same as she is, gives off the impression of the unsure, reluctant movie star who also doesn't give a fuck but maybe he does, I don't know.  Birds of a feather and all that shit.  Why do I even care?  I mean I'm old enough to be their fucking mother for Christ's sake...I mean I was not giving a fuck way before they were even born.  I was accused of hating  him and defending her, I was called many things on twitter. But really how can you even fucking pretend to know what I'm saying unless you fucking read it and listen to it and not just the parts you wanna see or were told to hear.  Reality, my friends, is looking at something from all sides before making a judgement if you have to make one.  Insane menopausal stalkers calling a 23 year old girl a cheating whore is pretty direct, no room for interpretation there.  Me on the other hand I'm a coat of many colors, but I react to hate pretty intensely.  So yeah it pissed me off, that shit like that has been said about her for many years even prior to the "incident" and the perceived lack of response from the person who is a big part of the reason for that hatred made me nuts.  So I lashed out. I do that. Alot.  But people got crazy because I insulted him, hated on him, blamed him the poor victim for the behavior of people he can't control.  Maybe so.  But I reserve the right to call anyone a douchebag if I want to I don't care who the fuck you are, movie star, millionaire, Queen of England, whatever.  What's more I'm pretty sure he'd be ok with thay, giving 0 fucks and all.  I mean who am I to him?  Nobody.  So calm the fuck down and stop getting crazy it doesn't mean shit in the end.  Someone on twitter suggested I was an "empath" and that is why I react the way I do.  Well yeah, I soak up other people's feelings like a sponge, it drives me crazy 24/7.  Makes me the manic bitch people see alot of the time, and the caring, level headed person some of the time. Whatever.  I don't know what's going on with those two I really don't, neither does anyone else.  I can tell you what I feel though.  But its too early and I'm not really awake and I'll have to analyze my feelings later.  I need more coffee because things are out of focus and even music blaring in my ears is not doing the trick.  Maybe I should go back to bed.  It is Sunday.