Giving No Fucks or Better Living Through Chemistry

I rarely post on this blog, I have to be inspired by something or someone.  Mainly I'm wrapped up in my own bullshit to really write it all down or I'm retreating back into that other world no one knows about.  That is the subject of today's post.  Retreat.  Depression.  Drugs.  If any of those bother you stop reading now because I'm about to get way personal.  Way personal.  I've been on twitter since 2009, first for fun then I got wrapped up in the "fandom".  As many other middle aged women who have questionable things happening in their real lives have done, I began to follow the Twilight madness, which preceded the Fifty Shades of Grey madness as well as the Rob/Kristen/Twigs/Alicia Saga.  Most of you know my feelings on the subject so I won't go into detail here, but what I wanted to write about was something someone tweeted this morning and that is that Mr. Pattinson no longer cares about his career.  Hmmm.  Could be.  Maybe he's tired of all the bullshit and wants a different life, maybe he truly is happy watching someone else try to achieve fame.  Maybe, maybe, maybe. Fact is he has been less than enthusiastic at appearances or work-related events, and as for film roles well I have no clue what's going on there.  Yes we can argue till the end of time, his fans will defend to the death his amazing success no matter what he does and others will say he is being influenced by his current girlfriend.  Not going to discuss that here.  Actually what I will discuss is motivation. People say he doesn't seem to care about his career.  Maybe he doesn't.  Doesn't mean he doesn't want to be a success, means maybe right now he doesn't give a fuck enough to care.  Let me explain.  In my case I haven't really worked in almost 4 years, the longest I've ever been without work.  Does that mean I don't want to be successful anymore?  Or that I don't care for my career?  No I care, I miss it all.  I miss the adrenaline, the sense of purpose, the respect, the feeling of a job well done and I desperately miss the  money.  What happened to it all.  Well not going into details suffice it to say that it was a mutual fuck up of which I have had zero luck recovering from and have instead chosen to drown myself in depression and yes drugs.  GASP Yes drugs.  (This is where the Robsessed scream I KNEW IT).  Its not what you think actually. I'm not smoking crack or shooting up or turning tricks for the pipe.  No I'm a script addict.  (See I admit it, your turn).  It started years ago when a therapist gave me meds to keep me going at work.  I had a highly stressful job, developed anxiety/panic.  So she gave me xanax, valium, and klonopin among others.  My purse looked like a branch of CVS pharmacy.  In addition I got anti-depressants, mood stabilizers..you name it I took it. It got me through some harrowing things in my life yes, for a while they did me good.  But then I stopped working, and started not giving a fuck.  I looked for work for about a year then gave up and my best friends were gone and replaced by little yellow, green and blue pills.  People argued I didn't care about my career anymore.  I had lost it all and didn't care.  No I did care, it just hurt too much to do anything about it.  I didn't know what to do, so I popped pills and tweeted, listened to music, became a full time mum.  By the way I am completely functional as most of us are and we can run our lives well on the surface.  I'm not following weird singers around or anything.  But the fact remains that I've been hiding from life.  Its not that I don't care, its that I can't. It hurts.  The pills make it bearable even when I don't want them.  I've gone a couple of days without them but its hard and I'm afraid of withdrawal because I know what it feels like, not fun believe me.  I don't know Rob personally, except for one meeting I don't know him at all.  But I look at him and think that he very much wants to go back a few years and have that career again, and be famous and have that money and adoration.  He just doesn't know how, and maybe he is indulging in substances in order to distract himself because he really doesn't know what the fuck to do, and mainly he doesn't want to give a fuck.  He can't.  I can't.  Sad isn't it.  Many people out there are the same, we're all hiding from something.  Some of us can function, some of us end up in the ER, but we all clutch those fucking bottles like a lifeline.  Because klonopin is my best friend, she gets me through.  She helps me forget, she calms me and makes me think its all good.  Recently I had surgery, I got sick suddenly.  While in the hospital they lowered my klonopin intake and I had a seizure.  I don't remember much only that I was told they would help me ease off but not while I was recovering.  I had time to think and I didn't come to many conclusions.  I missed my kids, I missed my life, I wanted to go back five years. Didn't matter they just gave me morphine and sent me home with vicodin.  Yeah I know.  But hey have a nasty wound in my belly so pain relief is needed, but I try not to take too much of the stuff.  It depresses the fuck out of me actually, but hopefully won't be taking it much longer.  I am at the point where I'm feeling that urge to run.  To disappear into something so completely I don't have to face my life but I can't find it.  I can't fucking find it.  Maybe I need to find my own singer to follow I don't know.  What I do know is depression is a motherfucker, and pills suck and combining them with alcohol and other drugs leads giving ZERO FUCKS about anything.  So that's where I am.  Maybe that's where he is, and countless others are as well.  Now I've tried my best to explain how I feel and realize I will get hate and accusation, someone even wished that I got cancer on twitter the other day. Look I don't care.  I'm being honest here because maybe I'm tired of hiding, and well alot of you know my deal anyway. I'm no different than millions of people out there dealing with depression and pain.  Some worse than others.  I guess what I'm trying to get across is that life is way complicated and we all choose ways of dealing with some fucked up circumstances.  Doesn't mean we don't care. Doesn't mean we don't love.  Doesn't mean we don't want what everyone else wants.  It just means right now we just can't do it.

Let go and Let Love

So I have this blog, that I write on every few months it seems.  I never really update often, I do it when inspiration strikes me and it did just now.  I know that people have an impression of me based on what they've heard, or my earlier card readings or my meltdowns, or whatever.  I'd like to think that I am known for speaking my mind and not being shy about my opinions when I see something that begs addressing.  Its been almost two years of this hot mess we call a fandom, yep hot mess, yep two years. In that time I've seen endless fighting, backstabbing, bullying, and emo behavior bordering on suicidal ideation.  People follow me for their own reasons, most think they know my views, others wanting me to do endless tarot card readings to reassure them of their beliefs.  The truth is I'm just a person with my own point of view and the right to change that view when presented with facts I can't ignore or when simple perception of a situation leads me to another conclusion.  Simply put, its my fucking mind and I have a right to speak it, change it, and do whatever I want with it.  What bothers me the most this morning is how splintered things are, how splintered people are, its scary.  Reading the various blogs and then the tweets, and hearing about the vicious hate being spewed often leaves me feeling like I've taken too much of something and I'm in some Alice in Wonderland type of acid trip. Do people still do acid?  Showing my age, anyway this is how surreal this whole thing is and I often feel like I need to stand back and just let it go. (insert Elsa singing gif here).  You have people believing in a baby on the way, people who constantly attack those people for believing that because to them its insulting and wrong and ridiculous and how could Kristen ever get pregnant because she's never had sex before she's a saint and so is Rob and they've never fucked and....ok you get it.  I think the root of all of that is fear, fear that it might be true and fear that its proof that they are well, human. Then you have your assorted robsessed who are well for lack of a better way of putting this, batshit crazy to the point where a picture of Rob trying to grab a cell phone shows his utter desperation at some of his "fans". Not saying a robsessed took the pic, just pointing out his frustration.  He's sick and fucking tired of it in that pic and ready to go after who took it. I've never seen that before, well not so openly anyway.  The guy probably does have a temper like everyone else but he's always been decent to fans.  I've seen it firsthand, he's very gracious and accommodating and appreciative.  He's not a dick, sorry nonberts.  Although I reserve the right to call him a dick when I feel like it and when he does act somewhat dickish which I think he does at times.  See what I did there?  I made a judgment based on what limited info I have about his not being a dick but then pointed out that I can indeed change that based on whatever happens.  Labels, we put them on everybody and that is so wrong. Kristen, of course, has been labeled many things most of which I can't even talk about without using words that would make your average Brooklyn driver blush.  By Brooklyn I mean Bensonhurst. Yeah that place. Where I grew up.  Yep.  But she's not any of those things is she?  She seems to be the opposite from many fans' accounts and from the praises of her costars and others in the industry.  But the tabs have her pegged as a cheating whore who can never be trusted in a relationship again, while Rob is well, the victim who can do no wrong and is currently fucking anything with a vagina.  Where I'm going with this, where I'm going is that the fandom is acting alot like the tabs these days. Its like the different factions are the various tabs each with their own daily write up of what's happening in the life of two people they know nothing about.  The blogs are a fucking mess, I'm not talking trolls I'm talking infighting between the posters who accuse each other of backstabbing, lying, being a hater. Oh by the way being a hater these days is defined simply as being someone who doesn't absolutely positively believe and defend a certain point of view.  You believe she's pregnant: Hater,  You believe she's not pregnant: Hater, You believe they are together: Hater, You believe they broke up ages ago: Hater. More importantly if you say ANYTHING about either one of them that isn't a declaration of saintly worship you are immediately called a hater and people you've talked to for years block you and and you are the enemy.  Its like Nazi fucking Germany out there folks.  I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? (Here comes the cursing).  Have we really gotten to the point where we are so invested, so insecure, so completed deluded by our own beliefs that daily, hourly witch trials are conducted and the person in question is banished into hater land.  I mean really, are you all fucking serious?  This is about a relationship between two people we know fuck all about, in fact this is about two people we know fuck all about except for what we see and hear and perceive.  The level of complete fucking hysteria over the smallest tweet, or picture, or anything is disturbing to the point where I myself had to sit back and question my own goddamn sanity.  When did it go from simple fan adoration to quasi-terrorist factions bent on fucking killing each other?  Whatever you believe, unless you are spewing vile horrible hatred and tweeting lies that really do impact either one of them you have the right to believe what you want, and whoever doesn't agree with it needs to shut the fuck up and move along if they don't like it. Don't read it, don't talk about it.  Don't go to blogs you don't agree with, just fucking LET IT GO already.

What about the two people at the center of all this drama?  No matter what we like to believe, or what we think we know its safe to say that although they've been dealing with crap for a long time they are still two human beings.  People like to say they give 0 fucks and don't pay attention and all that and maybe they do ignore the bulk of it, but when you have fans stalking their friends and families' IG accounts, producers and director's twitter accounts well I'm sure they are aware of some of it.  How do you think it makes them feel? Okay now this is where I start to talk about how they have feelings, its their relationship and you are only hurting them with bullshit crap.  There I summarized it in one sentence.  But its true.  Think about your own life, your relationship with your significant other.  Does what people say and do around you affect it sometimes?  Are you hurt by what your family or friends or even your neighbors might say about you?  Yeah I thought so.  Imagine that magnified 3434343904579454 times and you have Rob and Kristen's lives. What most people deal with privately has been turned into a media circus and dubbed "the scandal" like it was an event that affected the entire world.  No it didn't.  It shouldn't.  Its fucking terrible, awful, sad and its between them. No one has the right to make decisions for either one of them and no one has the right to condemn somebody for their actions when they know fuck all what really happened.  What should have been a private matter between two people has been turned into the reason for all out war between people who don't even know who they are but pretend to know everything that happened and have formed judgments based on those beliefs.  Who the motherfuck are we to judge?  I confess I've spent lots of time debating this whole thing, wondering about it, the motives, the actual incident itself.  Its a morbid curiosity bordering on being totally fucking creepy. I admit that.  I spend all this time talking about a situation between two people that I really have no clue about.  Well there's a big part of me that wishes Kristen would have that sit down with Oprah, Barbara, Diane whoever, and just spell it out for us.  Problem with that is that I don't think it will change minds, nor will it really do her any good. She's already the Whore of Babylon, the only person in the world to commit the heinous crime of cheating on Edward Cullen.  Yeah, not Rob but Edward Fucking Cullen.  The world's perfect 109 year old virgin veggie vampire boyfriend.  Because that's what its all about isn't it? Its not Rob and Kristen its Edward and Bella.  The characters in the biggest selling movie franchise of all time, the center of a romance that spanned FIVE FUCKING MOVIES.  Like Titanic, only there's four sequels all about Leo and Kate's, I mean Jack and Rose's epic romance.  You don't think that has anything to do with how this whole thing has been treated?  I can name at least five difference instances of infidelity that were in the news the past two years, and some that didn't even make the news.  Yet we all are always reminded of  "the scandal".  Just what scandal are we talking about here?  Who did this affect except for the people involved?  Yes it was upsetting and yes its ok to have an opinion but to judge, nope.  To start fan wars, nope. To use it to destroy a young woman's life? Hell to the fucking NO.

Here's the thing, this was all about Rob and Kristen not Edward and Bella.  As much as people like to look at pictures of them and declare their relationship the perfect love story of all time, I guarantee you it is just like all other relationships: complicated.  Its not black and white.  In fact its even more complicated than normal because they have the whole fucking world wanting to climb into bed with them.  We don't know what was or is happening between them, what may or may not have caused what may or may not have happened.  We don't know THEM.  They know each other though and all I can think of sometimes is how it must feel to have to deal with the worst time of your life while the whole world watches, and judges.  No relationship is perfect, people fight, say horrible shit to each other, do things that make no sense, punish each other for no reason  You get where I'm going with this.  They are not perfect.  Angels do not sing when they fuck.  Headboards don't always break, and she doesn't have multiple orgasms every time he walks in the room and vice versa, at least I don't think so but hey you never know.  You don't know.  That's the point.

I'd like nothing more than to see them happy, walking a red carpet somewhere or being seen together at a concert, or walking their dogs.  Normal couple shit we see everyone doing.  But I don't know what's happening between them, all I do know is that there is no way the crazy fuckery of the past two years, along with all the shit that came before it doesn't affect them.  That makes me sad, and I feel sorry for both of them.  When you love somebody you want the whole world to know, you want to take them out show them off, share the happiness.  They've never really been able to do that. There are people in this world that want nothing more than to see them apart.  How dare you fucking even make that choice for either of them.  Who the motherfuck do you think you are to dictate whether they should be together? Based on my perception from pictures, interviews, and such they seem like two people who love each other very much.  Why is it your mission in life to help destroy that?  Why can't you just let it the fuck go and just let them be?  I know why, because you are so invested in their lives to the point where you barely have one of your own, therefore you need for them to play out whatever fantasy you have in your head in order for YOU to be happy.  Well I've got news for you sunshine, it ain't about you.  Its never been about you.  Its about them.

So this brings me back to the hot mess that is this "fandom".  I've been trying to spend less time on twitter and when I do come on I limit myself to what I want to see or hear because honestly its way too fucking much.  I am sad, sad for them, sad for all the people I've stopped talking to because of differences of opinion and perception.  Sad that was was once fun has turned into a horror show.  I don't know what will happen, all I do know is that people need to take a deep breath and back up a little and just let whatever happens happen.  Be nice to one another.  Be respectful and above all keep in mind just who we are talking about here.  This is not a contest, there are no winners and losers. Above all keep in mind people's feelings, because if you don't do that and just shut people out based on whatever judgement you've made well that makes you a hater.  You should just go and hang with annypacker and her gang because that's what they do.  That's not what we do.  That's not what anyone should do.  I hope that in the coming weeks, months that all of this finds some conclusion, some closure and if not that people come to their fucking senses already.

I also hope that Rob and Kristen are ok and keep doing what they love.  If that means loving each other as well then I'm all for that, I'm all for love. However if it means that if it doesn't happen for them well that's their decision isn't it.  I can't do anything, all I have to do is accept it and let it go.  For the record I do hope they are well and together, and that they are able to rise above all of this hatred and be happy.  Maybe this is the time they are taking to do just that.   All I can say is I wish them the best, and hope that I can see them on that red carpet holding hands, being proud of one another and showing the world who they choose to love.

did she make you cry, make you break down
shatter your illusion of love
and is it over now,
do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home

Sunday morning and I woke up way too early for having gone to bed at 3:30am.  A loud door slam woke me, and I sat up, tired as I am I just got up and went into the kitchen and made coffee.  Maybe it was the combination of a a bad dream and the noise that pushed me into staying awake, because my head is telling me to go back to bed but the rest of me is saying no way.  Going through the morning paper and reading the same old horror, I gave up after a few pages.  My head is still fuzzy when I see the copy of Marie Claire I bought last night during a buying binge at Walgreen's.  Didn't think I was going to buy it because I'd already read the article, the poem, the drama over the article and the poem and countless tweets telling me I was either loved or reviled.  I blame the lack of sleep for reading the interview again, this time without the usual internet fan filter of worship and glory.  Its just an interview of a girl young enough to be my kid, boy does that mess with my head more on that later, talking about work and love and saying the word "dude" alot. This kid is all about not needing anybody, not having any answers, but knowing that she's not going to bow down to convention.  She's unique and doesn't give a fuck.  She gives 0 fuck answers to stupid questions and the interviewer fills in the blanks with his impressions and facts he probably got from some 21 year old editorial assistant who doesn't know what year it is.  I don't know, for someone who doesn't give a fuck it seems strange that she's a in fashion magazine saying she doesn't give a fuck.  But work is work and we all have parts of our jobs that we hate to do, I suspect this is one of them for her. Ok but why the poem, I mean someone so private sharing something so private of herself in this way.  Is it because she's trying to help her image, or is it something else.  The first option is always a strong possibility, some PR person's insistence that showing her creative artistic side will somehow endear her to people who don't already know her, or who don't like her.  But the something else option is interesting too, and that is that she put it out there for a reason.  Now in keeping with the 0 fucks attitude then this is total bullshit and she's just sharing a poem, but really we all give a fuck including her. She may only be 23 but she does give a fuck probably more than she even knows.  So what does the poem mean?  I've read several interpretations, everything from admitting to loving old men, to describing a tortured relationship, a nasty breakup, whatever.  I read it a few times and to me it can mean just about anything to anybody.  The imagery of the whiffle ball heart though is hard to miss, a heart with holes, spraying blood everywhere, yeah I got that part.  Heartbroken, maybe, longing, maybe, wanting, maybe.  Who knows.  Like I always say no one knows anything about anyone else's suffering.  On the one hand she's a reluctant multi-millionaire movie star, on the other a kid who doesn't have any answers and is too young to have them.  A kid who wears baseball caps and ripped shirts, but likes to cook dinner and keep house.  Okay then, what does it matter. I've got shit to deal with here.  I started out this post thinking about myself and the shit going down in this house but ended up writing about something that's being talked to death about online.  She's just a kid, who shared a poem for some reason intentional or not I don't know.  Maybe its an ode to her tortured relationship with the Golden One, the boy everyone wants, the boy all the girls are in love with, the boy at the cool table in the cafeteria.  Ok maybe not the cool table, but you get it.  He's the same as she is, gives off the impression of the unsure, reluctant movie star who also doesn't give a fuck but maybe he does, I don't know.  Birds of a feather and all that shit.  Why do I even care?  I mean I'm old enough to be their fucking mother for Christ's sake...I mean I was not giving a fuck way before they were even born.  I was accused of hating  him and defending her, I was called many things on twitter. But really how can you even fucking pretend to know what I'm saying unless you fucking read it and listen to it and not just the parts you wanna see or were told to hear.  Reality, my friends, is looking at something from all sides before making a judgement if you have to make one.  Insane menopausal stalkers calling a 23 year old girl a cheating whore is pretty direct, no room for interpretation there.  Me on the other hand I'm a coat of many colors, but I react to hate pretty intensely.  So yeah it pissed me off, that shit like that has been said about her for many years even prior to the "incident" and the perceived lack of response from the person who is a big part of the reason for that hatred made me nuts.  So I lashed out. I do that. Alot.  But people got crazy because I insulted him, hated on him, blamed him the poor victim for the behavior of people he can't control.  Maybe so.  But I reserve the right to call anyone a douchebag if I want to I don't care who the fuck you are, movie star, millionaire, Queen of England, whatever.  What's more I'm pretty sure he'd be ok with thay, giving 0 fucks and all.  I mean who am I to him?  Nobody.  So calm the fuck down and stop getting crazy it doesn't mean shit in the end.  Someone on twitter suggested I was an "empath" and that is why I react the way I do.  Well yeah, I soak up other people's feelings like a sponge, it drives me crazy 24/7.  Makes me the manic bitch people see alot of the time, and the caring, level headed person some of the time. Whatever.  I don't know what's going on with those two I really don't, neither does anyone else.  I can tell you what I feel though.  But its too early and I'm not really awake and I'll have to analyze my feelings later.  I need more coffee because things are out of focus and even music blaring in my ears is not doing the trick.  Maybe I should go back to bed.  It is Sunday.

Silver Springs

You could be my silver springs

Blue green colors flashin'

I would be your only dream

Your shining autumn, ocean crashing.......

There are so many things I want to say, words that have been going through my head for the past couple of days yet now they're not coming as easily.  I've written this blog entry a thousand times in my mind, and I was sure of all of those words but now its a mess of images, feelings, thoughts, and emotions that I can't put together in any right way.  But is there a right way?  I'm trying to understand just what the hell is wrong with me, why I dread getting up every morning, why it takes extra effort to do the simplest things, why I find myself sitting for hours on my couch in the morning channel surfing while lurking on twitter.  By the way I've come to the conclusion that twitter is evil.  More on that later.  I don't have any interest in anything other than checking twitter every five minutes in the vain hope that I will get some good news.  That something or someone somewhere will make everything better again.  Because that's what I want, I want it all to be better. I don't care about the circumstances or the methods or what has to happen, I just want it to be the way it was before May 13th.  I choose that day because for me that's when my personal life started going to hell, and it was with great sadness that I discovered rather quickly that my fantasy world had also gone down the same path.  Fantasy. Yeah.  That's what its all about.  Because when real life gets you down there's always a way to escape, to find a way to avoid harsh realities by immersing oneself in another world.  You all know that place, the happy place we go to to forget our lives are shit and pretend at least for a little while that things are good.  Living vicariously through words, music, pictures, and other people's relationships.  Yeah, now we are getting to it.  The truth of this blog entry, what its all about and what its all about is that fact that I'm a grown woman grieving the loss of something that was never mine.  Yep I said it.  We are all guilty of it.  How many of you have spent the last month feeling sad?  Just sad.  Admit it to yourself, once you do it gets much easier.  Believe me.  Fighting it doesn't do any good.  Embracing it makes it bearable.  I was sitting alone at home yesterday morning doing absolutely nothing, I do alot of that these days. I sit and watch tv or listen to music. Pandora decided to play Elton John's Your Song and I burst into tears.  Not just tears, but full on sobbing, so hard that I ended up laughing at myself because seriously what the fuck was I crying about?  I have cried for many other reasons this past month, but this sudden emo outburst that my neighbors all probably heard happened because this one song started playing, and I lost my fucking mind.  I'm crying over the loss of a relationship between two people I don't even know.  What's more, I am invested in this relationship probably moreso than my own and that is scary.  Not to say that my relationship deserves any investment, but that's another blog entry.  No I was weeping for two people who are young enough to be my kids (if I had them in high school, cough cough) and the apparent end of their eternal love, their epic romance, their fairytale.  No, my epic romance, my fairytale.  Because it somehow became mine too.  How in the fuck did that happen?  How did I go from having fun on the internet, reading fanfics, watching promos, being part of a "fandom" to a sobbing mess on my couch?  Simple, somewhere along the way I fell in love with their love.  The love that I gathered from pictures and interviews and stories and rumors of the past four years.  The love that I had in my own life but lost a long time ago.  The love that I don't have in my everyday life, and don't need because I shut that part of myself down in order to function in a world of complete shit.  But I do need it, that part of me isn't dead it was living and breathing through them.  These two people who I have no real clue about, who know nothing about me and probably don't really give a fuck anyway.  I knew all this all along, I knew I was projecting my own crap onto them, my own hopes and dreams and everything that ever meant anything to me put on their shoulders. I couldn't make my love work so now it was up to them and fuck if they didn't disappoint my selfish ass.  Its all well and good to write this and own up to the reality of what I'm feeling, but at the end of the day it doesn't make things easier.  I want them to work it out, I want them to be together I want them to triumph because I FUCKING DIDN'T.  I screwed up one hundred different ways, all similar to what is seemingly happening to them and I know what happens if they don't fix it.  Here I go this is the part where I enter the "zone".  The place where I am invested and I want this work and I don't give a fuck about the psychological and emotional reasons why this is important to me.  Who gives a shit. I'm a selfish bitch.  I don't care what they have to do they need to fix it because if they can't then well, I lose again.  Can't anything go right?  I mean my life is total shit most of the time and all I want is to see two people happy in this miserable shithole of a world so I can fucking die thinking that it means something.  That its real.  That love is real.  See I'm one of those chicks with a "one that got away" story. I tell it all the time, I've been telling to anybody that will listen for the past 20 years.  I'm like Forrest Fucking Gump sitting on that bench narrating his unrequited lost love.  Pathetic I know.  But also very, very sad.  Sad because I did love someone for a while.  Loved him so much that I would do anything, give up anything, be anyone for him.  Dramatic much?  Yeah that's me.  I love the drama.  But its true, he was everything and nothing.  He was the person I thought would always be there, that secretly I knew I would somehow end up with for the rest of my life and the person I hurt the most.  I hurt him, over and over again and he hurt me in viscous fucked up ways that made it a really thin line between love and hate.  But then again in order to hurt someone that bad you had to love the fuck out of them first.  And still do.  And always will.  That's where I'm coming from, I'm coming from a place of regret.  I can look back 20 fucking years and see the mistakes and look at my life now and know I will never see this person again, never touch him, never feel him, and never ever share myself with him.  That's a delicate way of saying I'll never get to fuck him again.  Fuck, make love, whatever I'm not big on the romance lingo.  Yeah there's a big different between just fucking and FUCKING.  I'm not talking "making love" I'm talking headboard slamming, sweaty, loud, fuck me till I'm sore then do me some more because I love you so much I don't ever want to live without this fucking.  Romantic enough for you?  Yeah, I had my Silver Springs.  I had it and I lost it and now I listen to that fucking song and I think about these two people I don't know and pray to God they never know what this is like.  That if the reality of their relationship is anywhere near what I perceive it to be that they never lose it because babies, 20 years down the line you find yourself sitting on your couch on a Thursday morning crying your eyes out because there's a hole in your heart so fucking big nothing and I mean nothing fills it. Believe me that sucks.  Sucks big time.  Sucks to the point where I want to just shake the fuck out of the two of them and say HEY ASSHOLES LOOK AT ME, look at what happens when you lose a good thing.  I think that's what the two of them have, a good thing.  I don't know the details of their lives, not really. I don' really know what happened. I can guess, I can read cards and speculate but at the end of the day I don't know.  What I do know is that I want them to find each other and fix it and make it work because if its real, you can't lose it.  You just can't.  Losing it means losing a part of yourself that you will never ever get back.  It hurts.  Hurts like a motherfucker and I feel stupid and dumb and ridiculous and silly, and so sad I can't stand it.  So yeah, you two fix your shit.  I'm a selfish, stupid, ridiculous bitch and I don't care what the circumstances are if you love each other, if you can't see yourselves without each other if the thought of not being in each other's lives makes you feel like you want to die then FUCKING DO SOMETHING.  Let it go, forgive each other, admit your wrongs, go to therapy, throw things at each other, fuck until you can't fuck anymore but just make it work.  Regret is a horrible feeling.  Okay so the haters can descend and say stupid shit and call me names and what not but that will just prove what I've always said that those are some damaged people, souless beings who have no clue what I'm talking about only that they need to feed their own insane needs.  Are my needs any less insane?  I don't know, I'm just rooting for love here. I just want them to be happy.  Sue me if I feel like they will be happier together.  That's what I'm going with, it may not be their truth, who knows.  But I'm willing to bet it is.  Nothing and I mean nothing has ever affected me like this, shitty life notwithstanding.  I know love when I see and I don't want to be rational.  I want it fixed.  Until then, I'll be sad.  You can all go ahead and be sad with me.  Its okay you're allowed.  Its nothing to be ashamed of, feel it, embrace it, cry your eyes out and it will help.  You will feel better for a while and it does give you hope afterwards. Cuz that's what its all about now. Hope.