Giving No Fucks or Better Living Through Chemistry

I rarely post on this blog, I have to be inspired by something or someone.  Mainly I'm wrapped up in my own bullshit to really write it all down or I'm retreating back into that other world no one knows about.  That is the subject of today's post.  Retreat.  Depression.  Drugs.  If any of those bother you stop reading now because I'm about to get way personal.  Way personal.  I've been on twitter since 2009, first for fun then I got wrapped up in the "fandom".  As many other middle aged women who have questionable things happening in their real lives have done, I began to follow the Twilight madness, which preceded the Fifty Shades of Grey madness as well as the Rob/Kristen/Twigs/Alicia Saga.  Most of you know my feelings on the subject so I won't go into detail here, but what I wanted to write about was something someone tweeted this morning and that is that Mr. Pattinson no longer cares about his career.  Hmmm.  Could be.  Maybe he's tired of all the bullshit and wants a different life, maybe he truly is happy watching someone else try to achieve fame.  Maybe, maybe, maybe. Fact is he has been less than enthusiastic at appearances or work-related events, and as for film roles well I have no clue what's going on there.  Yes we can argue till the end of time, his fans will defend to the death his amazing success no matter what he does and others will say he is being influenced by his current girlfriend.  Not going to discuss that here.  Actually what I will discuss is motivation. People say he doesn't seem to care about his career.  Maybe he doesn't.  Doesn't mean he doesn't want to be a success, means maybe right now he doesn't give a fuck enough to care.  Let me explain.  In my case I haven't really worked in almost 4 years, the longest I've ever been without work.  Does that mean I don't want to be successful anymore?  Or that I don't care for my career?  No I care, I miss it all.  I miss the adrenaline, the sense of purpose, the respect, the feeling of a job well done and I desperately miss the  money.  What happened to it all.  Well not going into details suffice it to say that it was a mutual fuck up of which I have had zero luck recovering from and have instead chosen to drown myself in depression and yes drugs.  GASP Yes drugs.  (This is where the Robsessed scream I KNEW IT).  Its not what you think actually. I'm not smoking crack or shooting up or turning tricks for the pipe.  No I'm a script addict.  (See I admit it, your turn).  It started years ago when a therapist gave me meds to keep me going at work.  I had a highly stressful job, developed anxiety/panic.  So she gave me xanax, valium, and klonopin among others.  My purse looked like a branch of CVS pharmacy.  In addition I got anti-depressants, mood stabilizers..you name it I took it. It got me through some harrowing things in my life yes, for a while they did me good.  But then I stopped working, and started not giving a fuck.  I looked for work for about a year then gave up and my best friends were gone and replaced by little yellow, green and blue pills.  People argued I didn't care about my career anymore.  I had lost it all and didn't care.  No I did care, it just hurt too much to do anything about it.  I didn't know what to do, so I popped pills and tweeted, listened to music, became a full time mum.  By the way I am completely functional as most of us are and we can run our lives well on the surface.  I'm not following weird singers around or anything.  But the fact remains that I've been hiding from life.  Its not that I don't care, its that I can't. It hurts.  The pills make it bearable even when I don't want them.  I've gone a couple of days without them but its hard and I'm afraid of withdrawal because I know what it feels like, not fun believe me.  I don't know Rob personally, except for one meeting I don't know him at all.  But I look at him and think that he very much wants to go back a few years and have that career again, and be famous and have that money and adoration.  He just doesn't know how, and maybe he is indulging in substances in order to distract himself because he really doesn't know what the fuck to do, and mainly he doesn't want to give a fuck.  He can't.  I can't.  Sad isn't it.  Many people out there are the same, we're all hiding from something.  Some of us can function, some of us end up in the ER, but we all clutch those fucking bottles like a lifeline.  Because klonopin is my best friend, she gets me through.  She helps me forget, she calms me and makes me think its all good.  Recently I had surgery, I got sick suddenly.  While in the hospital they lowered my klonopin intake and I had a seizure.  I don't remember much only that I was told they would help me ease off but not while I was recovering.  I had time to think and I didn't come to many conclusions.  I missed my kids, I missed my life, I wanted to go back five years. Didn't matter they just gave me morphine and sent me home with vicodin.  Yeah I know.  But hey have a nasty wound in my belly so pain relief is needed, but I try not to take too much of the stuff.  It depresses the fuck out of me actually, but hopefully won't be taking it much longer.  I am at the point where I'm feeling that urge to run.  To disappear into something so completely I don't have to face my life but I can't find it.  I can't fucking find it.  Maybe I need to find my own singer to follow I don't know.  What I do know is depression is a motherfucker, and pills suck and combining them with alcohol and other drugs leads giving ZERO FUCKS about anything.  So that's where I am.  Maybe that's where he is, and countless others are as well.  Now I've tried my best to explain how I feel and realize I will get hate and accusation, someone even wished that I got cancer on twitter the other day. Look I don't care.  I'm being honest here because maybe I'm tired of hiding, and well alot of you know my deal anyway. I'm no different than millions of people out there dealing with depression and pain.  Some worse than others.  I guess what I'm trying to get across is that life is way complicated and we all choose ways of dealing with some fucked up circumstances.  Doesn't mean we don't care. Doesn't mean we don't love.  Doesn't mean we don't want what everyone else wants.  It just means right now we just can't do it.